Moment to Moment

A writer I know is battling depression amidst the COVID-19 lockdown. I’m thankful to have experienced deep healing from depression, but that doesn’t mean it never tries to creep back in.

When this writer talked about his recent struggle, it reminded me of a time when I was subject to the ups and downs of depression. I recalled the way it made me feel powerless, with a permanent sense of dread at the core of my being. When would the next “down” come? How bad would it be? Would I be functional enough to go to work, or would I self-destruct for most of the week? On a good day, I might be able to fake it. On a bad day, I couldn’t even bring myself to drink a sip of water or even get out of bed.

What could I expect in the next round? I never knew. That was the scary part.

The below semi-hopeful musing was something I wrote during a seasons of battling through waves of highs and lows. I’m sharing it because I want people to know…there is hope.

There is another side to be reached. Hang in there.

There is hope

It comes in waves. Sometimes I feel okay, strong even, and then other times I feel like I can’t breathe. Right now I feel strong, but I can’t help dreading the next wave of sadness to come. Maybe it won’t be as big, though. Or maybe it won’t come crashing down as hard.

Maybe I’m being too hopeful too soon.

-Written February 7, 2013

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