You move so carefully, so stealthily. Why? Are you afraid of something? You don’t seem like someone who would be afraid of anything. You’re brave. Strong. (Way stronger than me.)

Who or what inspired this…wall? It’s massive–bigger than anything I’ve ever seen–and I have no idea how to reach you on the other side. But I’m going to try. I have to, because–

Well, you won’t understand this (not yet), but your soul is crying out for something more, something real (deep crying out to deep), and it’s freedom you long for.

This won’t make sense to your rational mind, because you think you’re already free, but your freedom ends where these walls begin. You can do whatever you want, anything your heart desires…within the confine of these walls.

That’s not real freedom. It’s a prison, the kind that’s on the inside of a person.

But real, actual freedom is actually real, and I really want you to see it. To breathe it. To taste it.

I’m talking about a freedom so sweet it’s like biting into the juiciest, most delectable fruit after living off saltine crackers for years. Like drinking the finest, richest, most decadent red wine after only knowing the taste of water. It’s like living your entire life in black-and-white and then waking up one day to find everything in color.

It’s better than all of that, actually. This freedom is better than anything you’ve ever experienced, and I can show you.

If I can just reach you on the other side of this wall….Polish_20200524_163150699.jpg

The Albatross

An albatross around my neck
A setting sun inside my heart
A thousand thoughts inside my head
Of lips and words so sweetly dark
(In the dark…)
(That’s where it starts…)
Unspoken words upon my lips
Unspoken thoughts inside my heart
Uncensored wounds inside my mind
So thick and rich and silky sharp
(In the dark…)
(That’s where they start…)
A thousand ships on endless seas
Forever wrecked, forever marked
They’ll never reach safe harbor now
They’re miles away and worlds apart
They’re miles and miles and miles apart
Shattered, shattered, shattered hearts
Mark my word, that’s where this starts
This makes no sense
A song gone dark
-Written on February 11, 2013
as I waded through waters of depression
after the big breakup

Drinking Someone Else’s Poison

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.” – Some Person Who’s Wiser Than Me

I think I need to forgive the teachers in my life, from my past. Not all. But a lot. I always (usually?) felt stupid and foolish, embarrassed, and I was such an outcast. There are family and friends I need to forgive, too.

Think I need to explore some of these feelings that are bubbling up, some of the memories flickering in my thoughts (stuff I had completely forgotten about)…forgive, and then let that junk go.

– Written in February 2014
as I pondered unforgiveness I was holding on to

Neon Orange

My Feelings Still Show

This plethora of emotions
An ocean
That swallows me whole
The tides are a sign
And my feelings still show
The waves try to trick me
I drown in their swell
The sand loves to tickle
The horrors I know

This sea of illusion
That swallows me up
It scoops me up gently
I’m down in one gulp
Now I’m lost and I’m lonely
I’m homely, I know….

My heart turns to mush
My nerves turn to jelly
My soul reaches out
And my feelings still show

– Written August 30, 2012
when things were beginning to feel a bit off in my life

Fear and Loathing

Some of my friends are so brave, but me? I’m afraid of everything.

Physically, I’m afraid of heights. I hate roller coasters. I cry on Ferris wheels. I love to travel, but I’m actually afraid of flying.

Emotionally/Mentally, I’m afraid of confrontations, and I’m utterly terrified of offending anyone. I’d much rather speak of pleasant things, happy things, but, well, this is reality. We’re not always dealing with sunshine and rainbows.

Inevitably, disagreements and confrontations come. When they do, it feels like an iron fist clamping down on my heart, and everything within me constricts–my throat, my chest, even my blood vessels–and I tremble all over.

It sucks. I hate it. I hate being afraid. No…I loathe it.

My whole life, I’ve tried to wish the fear away. To will it away. To pray it away. No matter what I do or how I reset my thinking, fear is always hanging around–like a squatter hangs around an abandoned house–until one day it dawned on me:

Deep Thinking Postcard

What if it never goes away? What if I’m always afraid of confrontation? Rejection? Failure or missing the mark or falling short or whatever? What if facing these giants in my mind, heart, and life never gets any easier?

This is a real possibility, I realized.

But I also realized that I have a choice. I can let fear immobilize me, like it has my entire life, or I can simply and resolutely choose to step past it.