Fear and Loathing

Some of my friends are so brave, but me? I’m afraid of everything.

Physically, I’m afraid of heights. I hate roller coasters. I cry on Ferris wheels. I love to travel, but I’m actually afraid of flying.

Emotionally/Mentally, I’m afraid of confrontations, and I’m utterly terrified of offending anyone. I’d much rather speak of pleasant things, happy things, but, well, this is reality. We’re not always dealing with sunshine and rainbows.

Inevitably, disagreements and confrontations come. When they do, it feels like an iron fist clamping down on my heart, and everything within me constricts–my throat, my chest, even my blood vessels–and I tremble all over.

It sucks. I hate it. I hate being afraid. No…I loathe it.

My whole life, I’ve tried to wish the fear away. To will it away. To pray it away. No matter what I do or how I reset my thinking, fear is always hanging around–like a squatter hangs around an abandoned house–until one day it dawned on me:

Deep Thinking Postcard

What if it never goes away? What if I’m always afraid of confrontation? Rejection? Failure or missing the mark or falling short or whatever? What if facing these giants in my mind, heart, and life never gets any easier?

This is a real possibility, I realized.

But I also realized that I have a choice. I can let fear immobilize me, like it has my entire life, or I can simply and resolutely choose to step past it.

Being Vulnerable

Men are still an idol.

So is food.

Football (soccer) lurks. Music. Writing. Beauty. Drink (I might just need a drink after I process through all of this).

Bright Lights

Temptations of every kind draw near. I don’t like who I am when I’m too relaxed, too off-guard. That’s when things get dangerous for my heart.

– Written January 2014
as I learned how to “walk the line”

The Path to Courage

Vulnerability.

Integrity.

Courage.

Open your arms wide to vulnerability, while walking in integrity, so that you can let courage in….