Hollow Night

Identity is a tricky thing. Our hearts long to be understood, and identity can, in some ways, provide a solution for that (through community, through finding our “tribe”).

But what happens when we find our identity in something that’s fleeting? A person in our life? A relationship? A career that may or may not pan out? Think about all the jobs lost and careers ruined over a single virus — and yet, the identities of many people are packaged in what they do for a living.

The below journal entry came as a result of searching for my identity in a person/relationship. I was totally and completely invested. I was all-in…and he wasn’t. The end result crushed me, pulverizing my heart and leaving me to pick up the pieces.

Only three things last forever: faith, hope, and love. These things are eternal. Friends, relationships, jobs, careers, even our sexuality can be here today, gone tomorrow…because we can be here today, gone tomorrow.

That’s why a person’s true identity can’t be found in that which is fleeting, in anything that (by its very nature) can perish. For where our treasure is, there our hearts will be also.

I have a headache.

Tonight is hollow, filled with bright lights that hurt my eyes and blaring rock songs that suffocate my senses. All I want is peace and quiet, and now I realize….

That was him. He was that for me — a little piece of peace and quiet. A little consistency in the chaos. I don’t have that now. He’s gone, this night is empty, and my heart is sad.

The headache’s getting worse.


-Written October 23, 2011