Excerpt from my journal:

I get overwhelmed with anxiety every time we have our team meetings. My stomach knots up, my shoulders tense, and I sit there and think (and wonder and worry) who is going to say what about me. I wonder if I’ve done anything wrong, and I run through everything I’ve done – every action, every single little thing — that’s happened throughout the day.

I run through a mental list.

I analyze the list.

Dread settles in my gut like wet cement.

It’s a nauseating process – to assume I’ve done something wrong, not know what it is, and to worry so much about it. I hate it. I hate the way my mind works. Why can’t I just not worry? That would be great, but it seems impossible.

The whole experience is horrible, and I have to go through it six days per week. Every time we do these team meetings.

Written January 2014
in Juana Diaz, Puerto Rico