Foolish Girl

Such a fool, foolish girl
To sit around…and for what?
You don’t know
Never have
Never will
Forget about your heart
‘Cause it’s all about his will

Foolish girl
Dreamy-eyed, lovesick girl
He don’t see you, girl
Never has
Never will
You never stood a chance
‘Cause you know he don’t stand still

Foolish girl
Teary-eyed, heartsick girl
You know the end of this story, girl
Unhappily ever after silver and pearls
Perfectly tarnished, harshly pure
Worth less than gold without a cure
But you still sit there, silly little girl
Believin’, daydreamin’, forever unsure
Foolish, foolish girl

-Written August 18, 2011
as I fell for the wrong guy

Desperately Near

When I fall You catch me
Please catch me today
Catch me right now
Before I fade away

I’m sorry I wandered
Sorry I waned
Sorry I faltered and
Failed in this way

But You love me always
This much is clear
This much is true
As You kiss all my tears

Stay with me always
Don’t leave me be
Don’t stay away
Come closer to me

‘Cause I’m desperately wanting
Desperate to hear
Desperate to have You come
Desperately near

-Written April 29, 2014
in Tambo de Mora, Peru

More About Vulnerability

Vulnerability = the measure of my courage

Self-Protection = the measure of my fear

sounds like truth + feels like courage = vulnerability

In the end, don’t let vulnerability be attention-seeking. Do all things in truth and love: for God and for your neighbor. If vulnerability helps you grow in love, err on the side of being vulnerable.

Written January 2014
in Ponce, Puerto Rico

What I Don’t Want to Hear

This is the sound
I don’t want to hear
The sound of my heart
As my blood turns to tears

I’m pouring over
This hopeless case
You’re throwing out my heart
Like waste

We’d be better off
Apart
You’d be gone
And I’d be dark

But you are gone
I don’t know where
You left me sitting
Waiting here

I couldn’t see
I couldn’t speak
My sorrows drowned
In turquoise seas

Where love is just
A lofty thought
A notion to be
Long forgot

Forgotten
Not forgiven, though
It’s safer here
Where I’m alone

-Written September 27, 2012
as I foresaw the inevitable
and hopelessness took hold
Stars and Moon

Overthinking

Excerpt from my journal:

I get overwhelmed with anxiety every time we have our team meetings. My stomach knots up, my shoulders tense, and I sit there and think (and wonder and worry) who is going to say what about me. I wonder if I’ve done anything wrong, and I run through everything I’ve done – every action, every single little thing — that’s happened throughout the day.

I run through a mental list.

I analyze the list.

Dread settles in my gut like wet cement.

It’s a nauseating process – to assume I’ve done something wrong, not know what it is, and to worry so much about it. I hate it. I hate the way my mind works. Why can’t I just not worry? That would be great, but it seems impossible.

The whole experience is horrible, and I have to go through it six days per week. Every time we do these team meetings.

Written January 2014
in Juana Diaz, Puerto Rico

Blinds